Sometimes I feel like an enigma that is not meant to be understood. I want my life to make sense. I have no clue what I am doing with my life or what I am doing with myself. I've spent so much time being what everyone else wanted that at 31years of age, I getting to know that who I truly am. I guess it is culturally appropriate for someone my age to be established in a career, financially sound, and being successful in life right? (Successful in the context of owning property, having a car, maybe even marriage?)
People younger than me are more established then I am. What do I want? I have no clue. My heart craves for adventure, spontaneity, randomness, drinking the moments, and complete wildness and yet security, purpose, assurance and somewhat comfort. A great tension in my life. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I really don't. And maybe this is the perfect place to be...not knowing.
I've spent years trying to make things happen and never actually going anywhere or becoming burnt out on all the 'working toward something' that never seem to be enough to obtain. Discovering that I wasn't meant to do this alone and its o.k. Hey, I have nothing to hide. Absolute Vulnerability is true courage right?! So much is in me and I don't know what to do with me....as I even write now, maybe it isn't about trying to do something with it...but just to embrace me and value me wholeheartedly. I've been so focus on all the gifts and desires on the inside of me and trying to do something with them I haven't just thought of discovering how to value me. To value myself as the gift itself....Point Blank. But what does that mean for life...I have no idea. Nothing make sense anymore. I am completely reliant on Papa.
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