In this moment, my heart is desiring to be desired.
I want the passion, the romance, I want to be pursued! I want a man to be so crazy for me he will do whatever it takes to get to know me. I want a man to think about me and fall passionately in love with me and shout it to the world for everyone to see. I want a man to steal glances at me or watch me from a distance in awe and wonderment. I want romance. I want love. Yes, I got Jesus, but this desire I believe God has placed in me as well. Even in this moment, I've tried to encourage myself by reading poems I've written or letters I've written in the past, listening to songs even reading scriptures to get me out of this place. Nothing helps. Hearing God right now isn't very possible because my heart is bleating so loud with the CRIES of this longing.
My dream is to be married. I've denied my heart this desire and trying to convince myself that I'm good without it. I don't want to be single, I want to be married, I want a family, that is one of my biggest dreams.
I can't 'try' to convince myself any longer that I am fully satisfied being single. I can't 'try' to hope anymore. I don't have it in me. I can't 'try' to encourage myself any longer...it is exhausting....
Allowing myself to be totally honest, completely vulnerable, absolutely naked in such this tender place is all I have left....will this moment past? Yes, it will eventually. I just got to trust that God's heart is intermingled in this as well....He knows where I am and where I am going...He knows what's happening behind the stage and what is brewing....HE KNOWS WHERE THIS LEADS....
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Tension in My Life
Sometimes I feel like an enigma that is not meant to be understood. I want my life to make sense. I have no clue what I am doing with my life or what I am doing with myself. I've spent so much time being what everyone else wanted that at 31years of age, I getting to know that who I truly am. I guess it is culturally appropriate for someone my age to be established in a career, financially sound, and being successful in life right? (Successful in the context of owning property, having a car, maybe even marriage?)
People younger than me are more established then I am. What do I want? I have no clue. My heart craves for adventure, spontaneity, randomness, drinking the moments, and complete wildness and yet security, purpose, assurance and somewhat comfort. A great tension in my life. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I really don't. And maybe this is the perfect place to be...not knowing.
I've spent years trying to make things happen and never actually going anywhere or becoming burnt out on all the 'working toward something' that never seem to be enough to obtain. Discovering that I wasn't meant to do this alone and its o.k. Hey, I have nothing to hide. Absolute Vulnerability is true courage right?! So much is in me and I don't know what to do with me....as I even write now, maybe it isn't about trying to do something with it...but just to embrace me and value me wholeheartedly. I've been so focus on all the gifts and desires on the inside of me and trying to do something with them I haven't just thought of discovering how to value me. To value myself as the gift itself....Point Blank. But what does that mean for life...I have no idea. Nothing make sense anymore. I am completely reliant on Papa.
People younger than me are more established then I am. What do I want? I have no clue. My heart craves for adventure, spontaneity, randomness, drinking the moments, and complete wildness and yet security, purpose, assurance and somewhat comfort. A great tension in my life. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I really don't. And maybe this is the perfect place to be...not knowing.
I've spent years trying to make things happen and never actually going anywhere or becoming burnt out on all the 'working toward something' that never seem to be enough to obtain. Discovering that I wasn't meant to do this alone and its o.k. Hey, I have nothing to hide. Absolute Vulnerability is true courage right?! So much is in me and I don't know what to do with me....as I even write now, maybe it isn't about trying to do something with it...but just to embrace me and value me wholeheartedly. I've been so focus on all the gifts and desires on the inside of me and trying to do something with them I haven't just thought of discovering how to value me. To value myself as the gift itself....Point Blank. But what does that mean for life...I have no idea. Nothing make sense anymore. I am completely reliant on Papa.
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