Bleating Heart

In this moment, my heart is desiring to be desired.

I want the passion, the romance, I want to be pursued!  I want a man to be so crazy for me he will do whatever it takes to get to know me. I want a man to think about me and fall passionately in love with me and shout it to the world for everyone to see. I want a man to steal glances at me or watch me from a distance in awe and wonderment. I want romance. I want love. Yes, I got Jesus, but this desire I believe God has placed in me as well. Even in this moment, I've tried to encourage myself by reading poems I've written or letters I've written in the past, listening to songs even reading scriptures to get me out of this place. Nothing helps. Hearing God right now isn't very possible because my heart is bleating so loud with the CRIES of this longing.

My dream is to be married. I've denied my heart this desire and trying to convince myself that I'm good without it. I don't want to be single, I want to be married, I want a family, that is one of my biggest dreams.

I can't 'try' to convince myself any longer that I am fully satisfied being single. I can't 'try' to hope anymore. I don't have it in me. I can't 'try' to encourage myself any longer...it is exhausting....

Allowing myself to be totally honest, completely vulnerable, absolutely naked in such this tender place is all I have left....will this moment past? Yes, it will eventually. I just got to trust that God's heart is intermingled in this as well....He knows where I am and where I am going...He knows what's happening behind the stage and what is brewing....HE KNOWS WHERE THIS LEADS....

Tension in My Life

Sometimes I feel like an enigma that is not meant to be understood.  I want my life to make sense. I have no clue what I am doing with my life or what I am doing with myself. I've spent so much time being what everyone else wanted that at 31years of age, I getting to know that who I truly am. I guess it is culturally appropriate for someone my age to be established in a career, financially sound, and being successful in life right? (Successful in the context of owning property, having a car, maybe even marriage?)
  People younger than me are more established then I am. What do I want? I have no clue. My heart craves for adventure, spontaneity, randomness, drinking the moments, and complete wildness and yet security, purpose, assurance and somewhat comfort. A great tension in my life. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I really don't. And maybe this is the perfect place to be...not knowing.
         I've spent years trying to make things happen and never actually going anywhere or becoming burnt out on all the 'working toward something' that never seem to be enough to obtain. Discovering that I wasn't meant to do this alone and its o.k.  Hey, I have nothing to hide. Absolute Vulnerability is true courage right?! So much is in me and I don't know what to do with me....as I even write now, maybe it isn't about trying to do something with it...but just to embrace me and value me wholeheartedly. I've been so focus on all the gifts and desires on the inside of me and trying to do something with them I haven't just thought of discovering how to value me. To value myself as the gift itself....Point Blank. But what does that mean for life...I have no idea. Nothing make sense anymore.  I am completely reliant on Papa.

Moment of Darkness

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I just screamed into my pillow, kicked the sheets off my bed, and slapped myself on the face a few times.  Yes, you heard me correctly, I slapped myself a few times. Why? It hurts and I don't know why. Maybe hoping to snap out of this place I was in, who knows..... I don't know anything about anything.  I feel like I have no control and the more I try to gain control the more I realize I never had it.  Pent up anger and frustration maybe even a dash of self-hatred in there. Doesn't sound like me, does it? I know its quite shocking. On days the house I stay in and the room I sleep in is a place of restful peace and on other days the room caves in on me and the house becomes a prison of loneliness, fear, and spinning thoughts. And on those days the only way I get free is to write.
Putting it all on paper.  Putting it all out there. Be vulnerable for all to know and for all to see.  Doesn't make sense, does it?  Yesterday hearing my friends tell me what they love about me and saying to myself---I do believe that.  I even have the nerve to encourage others not to speak ill of myself but look what I am doing or what I just did....I don't know where this came from...
This is the moment where I need Papa God's voice to be so real and clear right now....to hear the sound of His heart beat and His love towards me.

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"Moment" Poem by: ME


"Key thing is moments do past. They past, they leave, they fade away....its not who I am or my identity...its just a moment of a slight fraction of time... by tomorrow I will soon forget and I will see the bright sunshine---a--gain. Like a tulip closed it buds from the sun --tomorrow it will rise with its petals high, towards the sky, full bloom and blossomed. By tomorrow the tears will have evaporated and the pain has turned into joy... it was just a moment that is gone.  by tomorrow the anger is a forgotten visitor and the depression that smiled at me says 'goodbye'.  it was just a moment that has past....it was an illusion, a flicker to see the true light, a kink in the wiring that caused the shadows to stay longer than it was suppose to.  Tomorrow is here, the moment has past, the sun has risen and that darkness didn't last.  Actually it has become non-existent....key word---it was a moment...."

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Living Single

Untitled (Poem)

"Good just doesn't cut it when I know BEST is searching for me.

Good sound efficient enough--it passes the time until BEST shows up.

Good can hinder the BEST from coming into the picture...when Good has made a permanent resident instead of just visiting.


Good may satisfy the current need however, BEST is the fulfillment and swallows up all deprivity.


Good---its comfortable and maybe even nice---BEST is the adventure, the action, where you truly come alive.


Good just isn't good enough for me anymore. I don't want mediocre, business as usual or this will due for the time being...I want BEST, God's Best for me---He is the King, and in His eyes---I am a Queen."

I wrote this poem because when one have been single for quite sometime---waiting for God's best.  'Good' start looking like the BEST, when actually it is an illusion. It is funny.  Some days this dreams seem so close and on other days it seems in the distance. Regardless, how I feel---God is true to who He and what He says.  He knows my desires and they are pure.  I choose to believe that God's timing isn't off in the galaxy of one glad morning---I choose to believe that God's timing is now, in the present, in the moment.  I choose to believe that my dreams are already answered and the moment I hear the word of God---it is fulfilled.  I believe that He is coming around the corner. In the mean time....I rest in the arms of my Beloved knowing that He will send him to me or me to him.  Either way, we will be together.  I will continue to write letters, and poems declaring my love and my heart for a man I have yet met but isn't that far apart---from me.